Originally posted on Crosschatter:
Finally got the answers
But I asked the wrong questions
Now the mess I got myself in’s got me stressin’
There’s no rest until I solve all of my problems
Only bother’s that it’s harder than I thought
To give up all my vices
So I smoke until my eyes ripped
And the rage breaks out
And my heart pours out
Til the page fills up
And my pen dries out.
Four a.m. is just a few minutes away and I’m writing this because I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t close my eyes. I can’t stop turning. I can’t stop thinking. I have to be at work in four hours and the liquor isn’t helping. The drugs aren’t either. I’m going to be miserable tomorrow. I’ll spend all day hopped up on coffee, crash by mid-afternoon, and end up right back here, passed out the second I walk through my door. I’ll wake up at eight or nine depending on how “tough” my day was and spend the rest of the night disgusted at myself for wasting another day not doing anything, but convincing myself that there’s no point in starting something tonight.
I don’t know why the fuck I keep doing it to myself. You can ignore the first six words of the last sentence. I know what I’m doing when I’m doing it. I’d be an idiot not to see the pattern I’ve stuck myself in, but am I really stuck? I’m fully aware of the patterns and I know fully well exactly what I have to do to fix my problem, I just don’t. I even know why I don’t. Maybe it’s something I learned to tell myself that what I’m doing to myself is something much deeper than just being a lazy piece of shit. But I see it in other people too. You be the judge.
Have you ever heard anybody say “that’s just the way I am” as an excuse for a behavior? Most assholes do it. So do bitches. And most often, it’s an excuse for being shitty. You never hear someone say ‘that’s just the way I am’ after they help someone out or after they do something good, do you? If you have, your first thought is probably congruent with cockiness or self-absorption. No one wants a showboat. But why the fuck do we let people boast about being shitty people. It’s like when I’m out in public and I see that parent who’s letting their kids run around, hoping they don’t get them kicked out. Those are the kids just being kids people. All I see are asshole kids because of shitty parenting. I worked with kindergarten through 8th grade kids for ten years and shitty kids aren’t just kids being kids. And those kids grow up thinking that’s just how they are and they become us, the people so stuck trying to be who we think we are that we stick to things we fucking hate because it’s what we’re supposed to be doing.
You know why I do what I do? It’s because that’s who I am. Insomnia, that’s me. When I was younger, I was ambitious. I made decisions based on my ambitions and my need to fulfill that “me” as much as I could. In high school, I turned to being the smart guy who played sports and was friends with everyone and all my decisions were based on me being true to who I was. In college, I became the partier, happy go lucky fun guy and my life took that path. Once I realized I’d been making decisions all my life based on assumptions, I started realizing just how trapped I was in being who I was supposed to be.
Even when you seem to be flying by the seat of your pants, you’re not. You’re simply making the decisions you think fits what you think people think you are, the decisions someone like you makes. You’re daring and up for adventures? Then you’re the one who’s going to seek them out. Do you think the type of people who order the same thing from the menu every time are ever going to jump out of an airplane? Not likely. But what if you are someone who always plays it safe? Are you going to be a huge pussy all your life? Maybe. Maybe not.
People who have grown up with rough lives have chips on their shoulders. Don’t we all know it! If you’re the one who always gets cheated on, you’re going to be the one who gets cheated on. Do you ever wonder why lucky people have all the luck? It’s because they think they’re lucky. There are people who can’t ever enjoy good things in the present for fear of bad things, things that haven’t even fucking happened. We all do it. It is who we are. It’s what we do. And the only way to stop being someone you don’t want to be is to stop being that person.
If you’re tired of going out all the time, you don’t have to fucking go out. If you’re tired of the way men treat you then stop letting people treat you that way. Tired of the bad boys? Stop dating them. Tired of being fat? Tired of being a failure? It amazes me how much shit people put up with because it’s what “always happens to them”. It’s hard to break the cycles of who you are because when you give up who you are supposed to be, you don’t know what you’ll end up with. Some people get stuck “finding themselves” and move from external stimulus to external stimulus, all because that’s the path someone who is finding themselves would take. It’s all beautifully poignant and pointless.
I went through this dissecting of my entire life, decision by decision, and dove into a months long depression thinking my entire life had been a sham. All the things I’d done, I’d done because I was fulfilling some deep rooted belief in who I was trying to be and made decisions based on what I felt I had to do to keep being me. But then you want to be different and get stuck making the opposite decisions to the decisions you used to make based on who you thought you were because that’s not who you were…and the cycle continues, and you keep peeling off the layers, and you think you finally know who you are and you realize you’re just really stoned, and kinda hammered, and an insomniac who now, instead of just laying in bed awake, telling myself I’ll write this down in the morning, relishes in opportunities to stay up all night writing, because that’s who I am now. Eh, who am I kidding? I just want some goddamned sleep.